Monday, January 17, 2005

probably rambling post to follow

sooo, today seemed much better. I got a good nap in yesterday. managed to make an appointment for tomorrow so i can get back on the drugs. ;p i know other people cover this subject much better than me, and i usually hate people that act crazy and then are like, "oh, i'm off my meds" but darn it, i am! so going back to hating things. it took me a while, but i feel like lately i've come to terms with my mutant brain, i give it medication, it lets me function as a normal person. (as normal as can be expected considering my up-bringing...... just kidding mom) but ever so often i still get annoyed with it. i wasn't, still am not enamored with the thought of having to do this the rest of my life, but there are other people in the same situation for other diseases and that's also what bothers me. most people understand that if a diabetic doesn't take their insulin they'll die, the same can't really be said for depression (at least not for me) just like they don't make insulin, my brain doesn't make, whatever it is, we're guessing seratonin. sooooo i forget to take my medication for a while and start hating everything, particularly myself and sleep a lot. not life threatening, not unusual for anyone to feel on occasion. and it's not like there's a whole lot of physical evidence. you can't go get a blood test and be diagnosed, which adds to the frustration (for me at least). i get the feeling most people don't understand, don't really sympathise with something that's "just in my head". maybe that's just me. i struggle a lot with how much to tell people, it's such a personal thing, but it also effects how i interact with people and it's probably better to explain why i reacted funny to something instead of leaving them to wonder. sooooo what brought this up? well, i went in to work saturday, mainly to cut checks, however the others involved weren't quite as focused so i was getting mad that i'd come in for something i could do any other weekday. yeah, i took some time off friday, but not that much time. a couple hours maybe. i already woke up hating everything and they were keeping my away from a nap. grrrrrrr, so i wound up crying and going home. anyhoo, this one lady at work was asking me about it today, wanted to know if i was okay, blah blah blah. tried explaining that i'm really not usually like that, really, except when i forget to take my medication which isn't that often, no really. stupid mutant brain.