Tuesday, January 11, 2005

sneaky sarahk

sooo, those of you familiar with FrankJ and SarahK know they're currently moving her to Florida, and that they've had some mishaps along the way which they haven't elaborated on yet. well, I can shed some light on FrankJ's [pinkytoe] stabbing. see, we had dinner with them Saturday, (it was originally going to be breakfast, but me and RTO, we're patient). we were waiting for drinks when SarahK asked FrankJ to go get her camera and purse out of the vehicle.

SK: I feel so bad about the accident. Frank came to help me move and this is his payment? Fortunately I think his [pinkytoe] is only badly bruised.

MK: huh?

SK: yeah, frankj was worried about his pinkytoe and asked me to have a look at it, since there weren’t any mirrors handy.

MK: oh, YOU SAW FRANKJ’S PINKYTOE!!!? (giggling like a school girl)

SK: I didn’t want to, but he was bleeding. I don’t know how that can opener got there.

RTO and FRANKJ return, catching the end of the conversation.

RTO: sooooo, I hear you got stabbed in the pinkytoe. How did that happen?

FJ: yeah, it was really weird, I was exiting the truck and something hit me, we didn’t know it was the can opener at first, the way it was hanging there.

This only served to arouse RTO’s curiosity, so he excused himself and returned to the moving van. He found the can opener in question on the sixth shelf of a bookcase that was painted red, white and blue. Closer inspection would reveal the Lone Star motif painted on the sides. To the right of the bookshelf was a potted plant. Not finding anything immediately suspicious he was about to go back inside, when he noticed a digital camera memory card on the floor. We’d brought our digital camera with us, and the card appeared to be compatible. RTO plugged it in and started going through it and found a video clip of the whole affair. He was unsure about who had shot the footage until a small white furry paw entered the frame, apparently from behind the camera…. Minerva had been the camera kitty. Hereafter this footage shall be known as the Minerva Tape.

It was in watching this that RTO realized his instincts had been correct. The camera’s angle was such that the TX “book depository” was behind the camera cat. FRANKJ with SARAHK at his side is clearly visible. Suddenly, FRANKJ lurches forward, dropping to the ground and spinning to the left, and SARAHK goes to his side, from the right. That was the clue. Unless this “can opener” had defied the laws of physics, it could not have been the instrument of pinkytoe puncture. For that to have been the case, the can opener would have had to have struck FRANKJ from the other side.

RTO: Think about it, FRANKJ drops, down and to the left…. down and to the left…. down and to the left….. down and to the left. the blow had to have come from FRANKJ’s right side. The sixth shelf was to FRANK’s left, as the Minerva film makes abundantly clea. with the knowledge of the arrangement of the u-haul’s contents, Unless this “magic can opener” had dropped down, turned right, hung in mid air for 1.6 seconds, executed a left turn of 62 degrees, ONLY THEN, could this “can opener” have been the destructive implement. NO the real blow had to have been struck from the potted plant.
Turning once again to the Minerva tape, there was only one individual in the vicinity of the potted plant. SARAHK HERSELF!!!!

SK: WHAAAAA???? I would never harm my sweet pookie face!!!!

MK: well, it did give you a reason to see his pinkytoe. Who wouldn’t want to see that?

RTO: I’m out.

FJ: I know! everyone loves my pinkytoe! Bow down before my glorious pinkytoe!

SK: no, no, NO!!!! if I really wanted to see Mr. Wonderful’s pinkytoe, I would just ask. In fact I usually have to ask him NOT to show me his pinkytoe. Goofy goof.

RTO: KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!!!!! Who do you think your are Randy Moss? Mickey Rooney? (muttering) down and to the left. Wait a minute, what about FRANKJ’s protection?

MK: huh?

RTO: where was it? 2 things nearly every adult in this country has. A driver’s license and a social security card. Granted social security is not the protection people had always hoped it would be, however, it is customary to carry both of these items in a wallet. Real men carry their wallets in their back pockets. This would have shielded the injury site had he been carrying his wallet. The social security card should have interposed itself between FRANKJ’s pinkytoe and the incoming can opener. Social Security cards train for this. The absence of the wallet is that much more conspicuous because of the cross country trip for which FRANKJ would admittedly be doing some of the driving. WHY was FRANKJ, one of America’s foremost bloggers, allowed to travel with an empty pocket through the city of Dallas? It seems that FRANKJ may have injured himself in order to provide the pretense to show SARAHK his pinkytoe. More diabolically so, because he convinced her it was her idea to inspect his pinkytoe.

MK: (rubbing eyes)zzzz,snrk, huh? I’m sorry, was RTO lecturing again? I just automatically shut down and catch a nap usually.

FJ: Juggy should be thrilled that she got the opportunity to see my pinkytoe!!!!

MK: oh! Dinner’s here! Well, this will just be our (me and my blog’s) little secret.

apologies to Oliver Stone……. Oh who am I kidding, blame RTO.